The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.