Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me