[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers