[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.