No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
ok this is my dumbest yet
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
ACED my prostate exam!
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
A dad and his duck
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?