*struts into the new year
~ trips
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.