[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
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I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.