Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Spell check is for lasers.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead