I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.