When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
584.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.