Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
This is what makes twitter great
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Something Saturday.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.