I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”