We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)