Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.