Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You Might Also Like
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes