Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.