I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
You Might Also Like
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
How it started: How it’s going:
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.