calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea