I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
Sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.