@_NTFG_

Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@_NTFG_

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

@_NTFG_

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@_NTFG_

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years

@_NTFG_

When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.

@_NTFG_

People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.

@_NTFG_

My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.