Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
You Might Also Like
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing