Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea