The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!