I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.