*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure