We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Saturday
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
men, we mow at sunrise.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?