Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Ok but actually
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.