The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.