Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
#milo
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed