Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Ken is short for chicken
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”