Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.