Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*seductively eats two tums*
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.