@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@_Shizzle

My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.

@_Shizzle

Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.

@_Shizzle

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.