I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
This is so me 😂😂
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it