@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

@_SingleBabyMama

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

@_SingleBabyMama

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

@_SingleBabyMama

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

@_SingleBabyMama

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

@_SingleBabyMama

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

@_SingleBabyMama

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@_SingleBabyMama

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”