16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.