ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”