embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”