@_Tempo11

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@_Tempo11

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

@_Tempo11

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.