Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of _Tempo11's best tweets

@_Tempo11 : I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@_Tempo11: "You know..."

[takes drag of cigarette]

"That energy bar is full of sugar"


@_Tempo11: “The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@_Tempo11: Unless you're turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don't ask me what I'm wearing.

@_Tempo11: Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

@_Tempo11: I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

@_Tempo11: My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@_Tempo11: Tip for great hair: Don't wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@_Tempo11: Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.