Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting