Funny Tweeter

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Page of _The_Man__'s best tweets

@_The_Man__ : Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

@_The_Man__: I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@_The_Man__: [in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@_The_Man__: wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I'm talking about

@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
"Tell them I died in the moon wars"