Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.