SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
best review i’ve ever seen
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.