Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
describing stardew valley
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”