Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Doggies just call it style.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.