Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
What a website
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Remember folks 😂