One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
good work, everybody
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Teach your children to beatbox
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity