Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.