Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Education is vital
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE