I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
absolute chaos
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman