her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea


her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika


[first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


me: im gonna eat florida

date: *nervously* w-what

me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time

date: *now crying* please stop

me: *mouth full of dirt* no


me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons


date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street


[during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt


doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i


girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never