BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl