Funny Tweeter

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Page of _coryrichardson's best tweets

@_coryrichardson : her: i’m in a sorority

me trying to impress: [nervous] oh really i’m- i’m in a frat

her: are u in kappa sig

me: [sweating, has already forgotten what she said] ya i’m in peppa pig

@_coryrichardson: her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea

[later]

her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika

@_coryrichardson: [yelling over the music at a party] CAN ANYONE HELP ME FILE MY TAXES

@_coryrichardson: me: yes i have girlfriend she just goes to another school

friend: what school

me: *sweating* high school

friend: ya but what’s the school called

me: *visibly panicking* high school musical 3

@_coryrichardson: [first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool

@_coryrichardson: me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@_coryrichardson: cop: you get one phone call

me: [on phone] hey timmy. listen kid, i’m not going to be able to *very loudly* DONATE MY KIDNEY TO YOU TOMORROW

cop: you haven't even dialed a number

@_coryrichardson: me: im gonna eat florida

date: *nervously* w-what

me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time

date: *now crying* please stop

me: *mouth full of dirt* no

@_coryrichardson: coach: sorry you’re off the team. we have to cut you because-

me: *pulling out a sword* try to cut me, i dare you. i’ll block it easily

coach: because you keep bringing a sword to practice

@_coryrichardson: girlfriend: he’s too immature i’m dumping him

her friend: ya remember when he got excited that he could drink 2 capri suns at once?

[i walk in holding 3 capri suns] babe you’re not gonna believe this